Turn it in Everton.

It’s like we’re just one ill-judged cardigan away from watching a showreel of David Moyes’ worst bits at the moment, with the latest instalment guest-starring Atalanta as Dinamo Bucharest.

Ronald Koeman can purse his lips and talk about ‘taking responsibility’ all he likes, but it means absolutely nothing unless he does something about it. And he can start by actually making some decisions regarding his first eleven.

He needs to pick them, play them, and show that he has some faith in the squad that, by and large, has been assembled by him. Even if he now has some doubts about some of them, fuck it. Fake it ’til you make it. Or at least fake it until you can buy someone else in January.

This constant chopping and changing reeks of playing to the gallery and protecting yourself. ‘Look, you can see these are all shite but at least I’m trying something.’

That’s not leadership.

Is it any surprise that the players are already in self-preservation mode now? In September.

Two passes in your own half, the first bit of pressure from the opposition and there it goes, straight away, the tried and trusted ‘clip around the corner without looking’. The ball invariably goes nowhere near the labouring frontman and you pull a pained expression and do that ‘just down there on the left’ Red Arrows hand gesture for the sake of the viewing public at home.

With no fucker supporting you and almost no movement up front, what are you meant to do, take another touch, lose the thing and have everyone jump on your back?

Frig that. Your momma never raised no fools. Ping! There goes another one. Sorry Dom lad, I thought you’d gone there.

That in Italy was genuinely embarrassing.

Atalanta are an ok side, but really nothing special. That big, sweaty get up front looked like he stunk of ale and Embassy Filter – and yet him and his teammates took the absolute piss. And that’s the worst kind of piss.

Some people at Everton need to start justifying their jobs. That starts with Koeman but has to include Steve Walsh as well. There seems to be frequent debate about what his exact sphere of influence is, but his role definitely has ‘recruitment’ in the title, so he must have some responsibility for what is looking like a completely inadequate squad. Everyone knew that the biggest challenge facing the club in the summer was the loss of Romelu Lukaku, and that situation simply wasn’t addressed.

‘Yeah, but in the end Mrs Giroud didn’t want to move. Shame really.’

That’s not fucking good enough.

We then got into a bidding war with, well, no one at all, during our pursuit of Gylffi Sigurdsson. We came out of that victorious, spending a quite frankly ridiculous £45 million on him. Granted, he scored that outrageous goal in Split, but otherwise he has been utterly anonymous. He’s not alone in that – and he will surely improve – but the meek displays of our record signing do feel rather emblematic of the state of the whole squad at the moment.

That and Wayne Rooney and his massive 1950s racist-sheriff-bobble-head dropping so deep that he risks the bends.

Truly fucking horrible, the whole deal. With the Lukaku Show at Old Trafford to come, of course!

Sort your life out you fat cows.