When Neil Diamond drove the Arsenal team bus did he used to shout, ‘Coquelin, Ramsey. Get on board’?
Everton 3 Burnley 1
Move closer. Don’t worry, we’re not going to take a swing at you.
Moving Away From Home
So, are we fucking moving or what?
Everton 4 Hull City 0
Everton at home. We all turn up. Romelu Lukaku scores. The Toffees take all the points. You know the dance by now.
Hull City Preview
Can you mention Romelu Lukaku’s ‘super agent’ without singing his name as the opening line of Heaven 17’s Temptation?
To Err Is Koeman
Except he didn’t err this week, did he? Quite the opposite, as the Toffees saw off the Baggies in a quite straightforward manner.
Sound and Vision
So long Alex Young.
Everton 2 Sunderland 0
Oh Gana Gueye, we’re glad you scored a goal yesterday…
On Hold
It’s a results business, football. And results tend to form the prism through which you view your club and, in particular, its manager.
Keep The Car Running
Well then, 2016, the year when loads of famous people shuffled off this mortal coil, the British public voted to cut off their noses to spite their faces, and not the faces of the ‘hordes’ of immigrants, as they had been led to believe, while over in the US the political landscape finally dissolved once and for all into a nightmarish bad trip scene from a 70s exploitation film, with some weird cunt running around wearing a blood-stained rabbit head and Donald Trump’s big orange face looming out of the shadows, lit harshly from below and laughing maniacally.
Who’s Koeman Who?
Boss, that, Everton. Boss.
Friday Night Shites
Bit unfair that title, but if they go and win against Crystal Palace we won’t be able to use it.
Wooly Bully
Oh Sam!
After The Disco
It’s actually customary in fanzine-land to do an article entitled New Dawn Fades round about now.
Take The Money and Run
‘Walshy. Walshy! What’s going on, lad? You’ve only got one job and quite frankly you’ve completely and utterly Clifford Finched it.’
West Bromwich Albion 1 Everton 2
That Diego Costa is now only a little pipe and a hat away from being the Sampdoria badge.
Yannick at the Disco!
Or Yannick on the streets of London.
15 to 20
So then, Axel Witsel’s signing.
Euro Diary Day 7
Well then, as ever when you reach the semi-finals of a tournament the whole momentum starts to slow down thanks to the increasing gaps between the games and the cagey nature of knockout football at international level, and unless you’re Welsh you are probably more interested now in the avalanche of transfer speculation from the Bestest League in the Whole Wide World.
Sceptred Isle Diary Day 6
Blimey, we take a few days break and that happens.
Euro Diary Day 5
Sorry about the big gap in the updates, we’ve been off our barnets down at that Chessington World of Adventure.
Euro Diary Day 4
After the infamous incidents, which will be come to known, Zaire-style, as ‘The Mither In Maseille’, it didn’t seem like this tournament could get more mental.
Euro Diary Day 3
Struggling. To. Keep. Up. Now. Must. Type. More. Shite.
Euro Diary Day 2
It’s not day two of the tournament, obvs, but you get the gist. It’s not hard to follow.
Euro Diary
Obviously a diary implies that this will be updated every day, when you and I both know that simply isn’t going to be the case.
Are We Koeman?
Or are we Danka?
Everton 2 Bournemouth 1
Kent State it was not.
Everton 1 Manchester United 2
So all that remains of this disappointed and disjointed season is for Roberto Martinez’s future to be decided.
Fun Times In Babylon (Or Watford 1 Everton 1)
What we really, really needed this weekend was to go to the home of a struggling side and get a straightforward victory.
Chamois Chamois Ya!
Sorry, it’s been a while again, but we’ve been working on our sitcom pilot about a colourful bunch of characters working at a car cleaning business.
Moshiri Mo’ Problems
In the words of Erik B and Rakim:
Chelsea 3 Everton 3
Something’s happening here. What it is ain’t exactly clear.
Everton 2 Dagenham and Redbridge 0
There’s been loads on the telly, radio and other media today, so we’re not going to try and say anything profound about David Bowie or quote any lyrics or anything like that here.
Everton 2 Manchester City 1
You would have taken a narrow defeat before the game, wouldn’t you? Just as long as we were left with something to go for in the second leg.
Everton 1 Spurs 1
Well, what an advert for the ‘EPL’ that was, they said.
And so we said, what the Gordon Ramsey is the EPL?
Masters Of None
There was a portion of play in the Stoke City game that pretty much encapsulated everything that is driving everyone crackers about this present Everton side.
Everton 2 Leicester City 3
Hey hey, my my. We can’t keep a clean sheet if we try.
Everton 1 Liverpool 1
‘Hi, hi, yeah. Is that you Brendan? Can you speak? It’s John Henry. You’re not driving? Ok, great. Well listen, I’ve got three envelopes here… Haha. Not really. You are sacked though.’
The Changing Lights
Hey, how goes it? Can we call you ‘buddy’? Or ‘bud’, even?
Watford, Southampton And All That Jazz
Everybody up in the place, let’s go.
The Lovely Stones
All this back and forth between Roberto Martinez and Jose Mourinho – can’t do the accent – makes us recall that famous incident where Groucho Marx asked a lady at a dinner party whether she would sleep with him for a million dollars.
Go Set A Smallman
‘Maureen. Maureen! Have you seen this big string of piss? Drawing parallels between a summer hiatus in updating his little-read online blather-sheet and the 55 year wait for a follow up to Harper Lee’s seminal Pullitzer prize winning Southern gothic classic. The absolute nerve.’
Stoke City and Newcastle United and That
It’s been written in instalments this, so the Stoke bit was completed before we went to St. James’ Park. Hopefully the tone is a bit sunnier at the end then, because after the defeat to Stoke it all started to feel a bit Ron Burgundy: ‘Well that escalated quickly’.
Southampton and Shawl Collars And That
Oh Everton, your season has got one wheel in the ditch and one wheel on the track.
Krasnodar, QPR, Young Boys and That
Oh you tricky Blues, oh you tricky Blues, you’re driving your mamas and papas insane.
Spurs, Hull and Manchester City and That
What’s occurring, Dave? What? Not that great, what with the economy and that bug that’s been ‘going around’? Never mind squire, you’ve always got Everton.
Yeah, about that.
West Ham, Wolfsburg and White Hart Lane
We keep toying with the idea of updating this thing daily, come what may, in the same way that comedian Richard Herring has with his blog.
Not much of a West Ham preview
‘What? Make a statement through a bloody solicitor? Are you daft lad? Listen, this is a storm in a teacup. I’ll sort this out with a bit of old-fashioned common sense.’
Everton and Ting
Hey, anybody there? Hello?
Everton 3 Aston Villa 0
It’s good to see David Moyes back on telly, talking about how he’s ready to get back into management.
