In 12 months time no doubt the piece bookending the big lad’s Goodison tenure with this one will be entitled ‘Fire and Dyche’.

Anyway, who saw this coming?

Despite all the names that have been mentioned, since around the first game of the season it has looked inevitable that the face-painted-on-an egg-that’s-had-the-yoke-blown-out-of-a-tiny-hole-at-either-end-looking gaffer, who always looks like he’s going to start patting his pockets and pretend he’s lost the ring at the altar (the mad bastard!) was going to be in the Goodison ‘hot seat’ at some point.

And so it has come to pass.

Marcelo Bielsa was never going to happen, especially if what’s been reported about his demands are to be believed. They read like Maria Carey’s rider, or Brian Damage’s ransom demands.

‘To only work with the under 21s this season, plus the complete memoirs of Donald Sinden and a little Cairn Terrier called Bobby’.

In fairness to him, if it’s true that he’s said he doesn’t think he’s capable of ‘adding value’ in the time he has left this season, that’s pretty candid. Most out-of-work managers would have just signed a contract, secured that sweet, sweet Moshiri-money, then just hoped for the best. 

In the words of Billy Joel, who in fairness knows far more about football than Danny Murphy: ‘You may be right, he may be crazy, but he just might be the lunatic we’re looking for.’

We’ll never know now.

Just an aside here, is anyone else starting to feel a bit like someone who just shook hands with Penn and Teller? Then stands back, applauding, only to realise that his watch is missing and it’s actually on the wrist of the little weird one who doesn’t talk?

This is of course in relation to Frank Lampard and his reputation. It’s been written on here several times that everyone wishes the former Chelsea midfielder nothing but the best, etc. 

Seriously, how has the monkey-arse-headed get managed to pull that off?

He was fucking shite!

‘But some of the situations he had to deal with were really difficult.’

Indeed, they were, which is probably why the role comes with an enormous salary because those situations are what the incumbent is expected to manage.

The clue really is in the job title.

In the end it seems he got away with it because he is famous and seems nice.

So perhaps we should have replaced him with Frank Bruno.

He is familiar with the area after all.

No one has a clue how Dyche is going to do. Obviously he’s not going to transform this squad into an all-out attacking ‘high-press’ heavy metal football team overnight. But that’s not because ‘he only knows how to play shit football, did you fucking see Burnley’, but because, like, Marcelo Bielsa, the literal pioneer of that style of play, has even said there’s no chance with that shower of shite he’s inheriting.

Anyone who took over would have to be pragmatic as all hell and just look to somehow scrape some wins together by hook or by crook.

Obviously just getting the ball in the box occasionally would be a start.

We’ve had this conversation plenty of times before now: apart from perhaps Pep Guardiola you could find reasons to dismiss the argument for appointing any manager who has been around for any length of time. Imagine if Marco Silva, for instance, hadn’t already been Everton manager. We would be all over him now. 

Mikel Arteta had never managed before and it apparently showed, according to some Arsenal supporters, until this season. And why the fuck have Leicester appointed that weird old Italian fella who got bombed out at Chelsea?

How about David Moyes ? What had he done until he came to the Blues, apart from bottle a couple of play-offs with Preston? Hang on, that’s maybe not the best example.

Anyway, even the gurnin’ German ‘almost took Dortmund down’ at one point.

So who knows, the chemistry might just be right, and the meat counter’s loss could be Everton’s gain. He definitely slaps the steak theatrically as he hands it to you in the greaseproof paper though.

Finally, something, something about Anthony Gordon. Does anyone even care about him any more? His Everton obituary will probably read ‘Wasn’t as good as Demarai Gray.’