The slow-motion car crash that has been Frank Lampard’s managerial stint at Goodison finally reached the conclusion that’s been more or less nailed on since before the World Cup and he’s been given the old heave, and indeed the ho.

You don’t have to be a full on ‘get Denise in a rear-naked choke’ Arteta-money merchant in order to get the impression that something’s amiss with the decision-making at the highest level of the club at present, and it feels like that disfunction, allied to whatever the fuck goes on in the mind of  the erratic accountant, allowed Lampard and his sorrowful little face to sleepwalk through a series of games against absolute shite that may well ultimately relegate us.

Strong work, bro.

‘Lamps’ got the job because he’s famous and he seems pleasant enough. He endeared himself to everyone with the way he conducted himself, especially in the aftermath of that game, and will probably always be held in high regard and with a certain amount of affection by the supporters. 

But the results simply weren’t good enough. Not even close. 

That against an awful West Ham team on Saturday wasn’t even the straw that broke the camel’s back. That bastard camel has been driving a mobility scooter for months. West Ham slashed the poor humpy fucker’s tyres.

There can be no way on this Earth that they haven’t been talking to managers or at least their agents in the past month or so. Open letter fellas will beg to differ, but there is no way they are that myopic.

We’ve said it before, but the whole vibe just feels like they will give it to Sean Dyche. He certainly has more credentials than Lampard ever did. Christ, remember when Eddie Howe was always cited as the sort of ‘shit manager’ we would probably end up with? 

Marcelo Bielsa’s also been mentioned as a wildcard, because he’s not in a job and Farhad Moshiri seems to have tired of taking it both ends: gifting compensation to clubs for managers he’s going to sack and pay up in 12 months. 

Bielsa will already have endless box files full of research on the squad – he will certainly know that they are nearly all shite – and a deposit down on the flat above Heron Foods on County Road.

If they were genuinely that wild to give it to him, 100% he quits within six weeks. 

Another story amidst all this is that Arnout Danjuma has sought assurances that David Moyes won’t be the new manager before agreeing to join on loan.

‘Knifey knifey gunfight guy? Fuck him and fuck his cardigan,’ he might have said.

Mad!