Seat Unique.

The finest chair you ever gonna meet.

You can have that one for free, Everton.

And while we’re on a musical ‘tip’, whatever that means:

‘He is a Toffee man, he comes from far away. And he can play. And he can play…

Thier, Thier, Thierno, Thierno, Thierno…,’

That’s got to be better than just another re-hashing of that miserable ‘Vieira wooooahhhh’.

Anyway, the last time we were kept waiting so long to sign an under-21 international striker, it was the one and only Sandro. So that’s a pretty low bar that the young Frenchman has to clear, which will be easy given that his legs are longer than an Aldi barcode. 

Looking at clips of him, a couple of things seem clear. Firstly, on the whole, the defending in Spain is absolutely diabolical. And secondly, Barry, should he end up at Everton, will undoubtedly be described as ‘raw’ at some point. He does look exciting, especially on the break, but his extravagantly positive first touches into space will see him lose possession a lot.

Or win loads of fouls.

Or both.

He definitely looks like the sort of player we always want to be linked with though, whenever we are moaning about being only interested in grizzled arl arses ‘with great attitudes’.

He’s obviously coming in to replace Dominic Calvert-Lewin, a player who had a strange and somewhat unsatisfying Everton career in the end. At times he promised so much, and let’s not forget he scored some hugely important goals. Not least, that one. But ultimately he was just never that reliable in front of goal, apart from maybe half a season when James Rodriguez was putting them on a plate, and when that combined with the injuries that blighted the latter part of his time at the Blues, do you really want to offer him batty money for more of the same? 

From his perspective, he’s 28-years-old and seems to be made of balsa wood. A free transfer now represents probably the biggest opportunity he’s going to have to secure one more massive deal somewhere. 

There always seems to be a bit of a weird undercurrent with any discussion of Calvert-Lewin— as if there’s some sort of culture war aspect to the move – but ultimately it just looks like the bog standard football economics for all parties. 

That said, if he’s struggled with the scrutiny at Everton, good fucking luck to him if he ends up at the sedate, understated backwater that is Manchester United.

Elsewhere, it’s great news that Jarrad Branthwaite and Gana Gueye have re-signed. And Michael Keane, you tight get.

We are also linked with Wilfred ‘Yes’ Ndidi, who is a cracking player, and Nicolas Tagliafico, who has never played for Tottenham, despite your protestations.

By the way, my mate became obsessed by a celebrity court case, you know.

Doddy?

No, Diddy.