Everton must sign £22.5k per week ‘centaur’ once described by Guardiola as ‘better than only having 10 men I suppose.’

That lead in was just for the purposes of Newsnow. The rest of the story will just describe how the Blues are interested in re-signing Idrissa Gana Gueye from Paris Saint Germain. 

It’s what every other cunt seems to do.

Anyway, Ludovic Ajorque sounds like Neil Warnock’s half time rant at Miklosko and Anichebe.

And Steven Gerrard’s permanent expression is that of someone looking at you and then down at the 10 bob you’ve just placed in his palm, and then back at you, after he’s carried your bags to your room.

Meanwhile, the obvious Rihanna song was used on social media to announce the arrival of the Blues’ new Belgian behemoth, Amadou Onanna. However, it’s been widely circulated among those in the know (or ‘in the k’ as those ‘in the k’ say), that the 1982 worldwide hit by Trio will in fact be the inspiration for the chant in honour of the lofty lad from the low country.

The same seditionary songsmiths are praying for us to sign that PSV winger as well, as they are Ultra keen – as keen as Ultras – to sing: 

Dancing in the disco, bumper to bumber,

Wait a minute, Cody Gakpo, Cody Gakpo!

They’re not really. I just made that up.

I’m sleeping in the Jag you know.

Talking about being on tablets for your nerves, Everton have taken more or less all the money they got for by far their best player – the one who kept them up last season – and spent it on Onanna and Dwight McNeil.

Clearly since the departure of Gylffi Sigurdsson we had a vacancy for the coveted ‘we won’t see the best of him until he plays in his correct position’ shirt, and every squad needs someone who is dead young and settling into a new country, but the hope is that when they take the money for Anthony Gordon that they spend it on lads who can come straight into the team and play. 

Because it’s alarmingly clear that the players who can keep this team out of the Championship are presently contracted to other clubs.

The parts about stupid songs don’t seem so bad when you read shit-the-bed bits like that, do they?