Everton set to complete blockbuster transfer of ‘phlegmatic’ midfielder. Terms agreed.

Just Idrissa Gana Gueye still. Again, just for Newsnow. Move it on.

This game won’t really live long in the memory. Anthony Gordon scored a good goal following the best bit of passing the Blues put together, latching onto an Alexi Iwobi through-ball and tucking home between the goalie’s legs, before some no-mark equalised to give the home side the point they probably deserved. 

The fucking Etch-a-Sketch also denied Demarai Gray the winner – actually, quite a lot happened when you think about it – but the abiding image of the encounter will always be Jesse Marsch doing his ‘I’m a little teapot’ dance down the sideline. And if that wasn’t embarrassing enough – seriously, worse than them episodes of Minder after Denis Waterman spewed it – you then had the unedifying sight of scores of Atora-suet-faced computer-fair-in-a-sports-hall stallholders on bail for robbing hundreds of eggs from birds’ nests aping him and pointing at their imaginary watches.

Speaking of utter wanker managers. Karl Robinson of Oxford United on the excellent Moment of Truth podcast. If his endless speeches to the Spartans at Thermopylae – Morecambe away – weren’t bad enough, he refers to a present Premier League manager simply as ‘Steven’ and then utters one of the worst things anyone can ever say: ‘I’m really into my music.’ Then, to prove his credentials, complains about the home team playing their records too loud when they won, declaring: ‘They turned it up to eleven. That’s a famous quote from Guns N Roses.’

He might be a bigger Wally than even Mikel Arteta, who is all sorts of weird in that All or Nothing documentary. For some reason this one is eminently watchable as opposed to the City and Spurs snoozefests. There’s Stan Kroenke’s lad who looks like he definitely has a ‘lair’ somewhere in the Himalayas. And that Spanish fella whose job appears to be sidling up to people in the canteen and going ‘Do you know what? You’re ace you. Just fantastic. Everything about you is fab.’

And of course the young genius who doesn’t know what a maze is. 

Amazon must be absolutely desperate to do Everton next. It would have everything. Christine and Frank, Zoom calls with Moshiri in his bathrobe, Bootle Strand with Rondon, Dominic Calvert-Lewin wearing zany kecks, and one of the secretaries looking straight at the camera like Dawn in The Office whenever Kevin Thelwell asks her to get Wolves on the phone again.