Did you always think that James Ward-Prowse’s dad was the Green Cross Man?

He’s not, but their Jud did kill his kestrel, the twat.

We’re going to spend Saturday going full ‘bunny rabbit’s nostril’ whenever they get a free-kick in our half, aren’t we? Such is the little Rumpelstiltskin’s prowess – see what we did there? – with the proverbial ‘dead ball’.

Their squad looks absolutely wild. Everyone apart from Theo Walcott is about 15.

Seriously, if we can’t beat them at home…

‘Interesting developments at Goodison Park, Ellie?’

‘That’s right Chappers, it seems like Frank Lampard hasn’t come out for the second half here. With his team trailing to that Che Adams double, he’s was heard asking Christine to bring the fucking car round now.’

‘Wow, incredible Leon, have you ever seen anything like that before in your career?’

Elsewhere, Everton have been linked with a borrow-now-pay-later deal for a Dutch winger whose surname makes you sing: 

‘Danjuma

You know say Daddy Snow me, I’m gonna blame

A licky boom-boom down.’

Although the Villarreal fans apparently prefer:

‘Arnaut

In the middle of our street.’

Because his name is Arnaut Danjuma.

Not to be mistaken with Dan Juma, one of those weird lower league centre-halves you only ever become aware of when Wales are playing in a tournament. 

The former Bournemouth ‘star’ looks absolutely minty on Youtube, unless there’s another compilation where he actually goes past someone without the ball bobbling up and breaking luckily off his hip. 

It seems unfair to dismiss him on the strength of a three minute clip set to some auto-tuned date rape anthem, but them’s the breaks. He looks like Yannick Bolasie minus the end product.

He’s apparently also wanted by Aston Villa, which brings up memories of the recent Coutinho Paradox. Do you remember? When Everton where widely described as typically clueless when they were heavily linked with the little bum-fluffed Brazilian, only to be lambasted as lacking any sort of ambition when he ended up signing for sour-faced Stevie at Villa instead and scored a light smattering of goals early on.

There’s apparently a sit in as well. With some protestors planning to stay even as long as the final whistle if they have to.

Serious times at Goodison Park.