Do you reckon they will be fighting over the magic-car-themed headline when Everton’s new Portuguese striker scores a quick-fire brace to win next season’s game at the Etihad?

CHERMITI CITY BANG! BANG!

Did you used to prefer it when the first you heard about an Everton signing was them pictured on the back of the Echo holding a shirt? 

Yeah?

Well how come you hang on every mad rumour and pore over social media obsessively, like Don’t Fuck With Cats, and send messages to Dan Meiss and the kids in the club’s social media department screaming ‘When are we buying a striker? RIP Everton. The club’s a disgrace’? 

You actually seem quite uptight about the whole thing.

Do they still do the supporter of the year thing? I think they do. Maybe they could have a new category, for ‘supporter who feels the existential agony of being an Evertonian the worst’. The queues for nominations would be like them first couple of weeks of X Factor. Just chin-resting-on-the-fist compo faces snaking off as far as the eye can see. The stirring strings of ‘One Day Like This’ kick in as Darren from Wallasey bows his head and rubs his red-rimmed eyes, consoled with a hug by his biggest fan, his mum Angela (who doesn’t even like football). He composes himself, looks straight into the camera and says, haltingly, in a cracked whisper: ’We just want to know where the Arteta money is, Bill.’

It seems likely there is going to be a load of transfer shenanigans at the last minute. West Ham have apparently signed no one at all yet, and are keen on Demarai Gray, while the Super Blues are in turn fans apparently of Michail Antonio. 

Is he a Sean Dyche type of player though?

Gray’s a really good player. One of the few capable of doing something extraordinary, like the goals against Arsenal and Manchester City. The manager has his reasons though, and you have to respect that. But you can well imagine Gray looking mustard elsewhere.

Rumours concerning the fitness of Dwight McNeil are concerning in the extreme. Apart from perhaps Jordan Pickford, no individual did more to keep Everton in the Premier League last season. And then in pre-season he’s looked the one with top level quality, a cut above the lower league opposition we’ve faced. Without him, unless we bring in some surprising signings, a toothless attack could well have its gums removed. A gumectomy.

It’s not even a real thing.

He never originally wanted to be a footballer, McNeill, you know? He was obsessed with following in the footsteps of Neil Armstrong. 

That’s right. 

He longed to be Dwighty On The Moon.

Victor Gyokeres is guaranteed to look sensational on Saturday. You heard it here first.

Monster! Monster!