If that’s how you pronounce his name, like? Alternatively, if he discovered an Irish grandmother and became the captain of the international team, would they refer to them as ‘Beto’s Republic’? 

Makes you think.

As did Everton’s starting line-up for what looked like a very winnable fixture. 

It almost felt like the coaching staff at Finch Farm had a session with Instagram comments on the overhead projector as they mused over their team selection. 

‘Crazy as it sounds, I think topgooser_1878 might have a point you know, lads. Anyone is better than Maupay.’

Arnaut Danjuma was given a go up front, with young Lewis Dobbin replacing the injured Alex Iwobi on the left. At the back, Michael Keane made way for Jarrad Branthwaite, and the youngster represented one of the few highlights of another disastrous weekend.

Wolves were terrible, but the Blues’ lack of conviction when going forward meant that eventually the Old Golds were going to get a chance. And indeed they did, when on 87 minutes Sasa Kalajdzic strolled to the far post to head home a deep cross from the right. 

You could argue that Fulham were seriously lucky to win on the opening day, but this wasn’t more of the same. This was just a lack of quality all over the pitch giving the away team encouragement until they couldn’t help but snatch a winner. We never look completely in control, with the opposition pinned back and hanging on for dear life. Remember when that used to happen?

Everything seems more in hope than expectation now, especially when any opportunity to ‘turn up the heat’ is undermined by Ashley Young sending every single set-piece into the grateful arms of José Sá. The veteran fullback’s form at the moment, like that of most of his teammates, is patchier than Danny Ings’ head.

When you find yourself thinking ‘I know he’s slower than a hotel toaster, but perhaps Andre Gomes would just get his foot on the ball here and help us keep possession’ before realising he isn’t actually on the bench, then you know the outlook is bleak. 

Youssef Chermiti made his debut, but didn’t really have enough time to show what he’s all about.

So now we turn to our latest Portuguese poacher, with great things expected. Will he be ‘Back of the Netto!’ though? Or more ‘Beto Regreto’?