First thing’s first. Do you reckon West Ham’s loss to Manchester City ruined Russell Brand’s weekend?

I used to love his horoscopes as well.

Looking at the stars, he probably would have predicted an Everton defeat to Arsenal, although perhaps not the ease with which Mikel Arteta’s squealing face-clutch merchants breezed to victory. 

Genuinely, it looked like the plan from the outset was to protect the goal difference. We’ve got our centre-forward now – two in fact – so we can’t even blame Neal Maupay any more.

That central midfield is utterly hopeless. There can’t be worse in the Premier League. In fact the table suggests that there isn’t. So we’re now pinning our hopes on the fitness of Dwight McNeil – who was goosed here – and then Jack Harrison being the second coming of Andrei Kancheskis. 

Doesn’t look good then.

Can you even imagine what that League Cup game at Villa will be like? In the week before a home game against Luton? Genuinely, the prospect makes you do a little sick at the back of your throat. 

Meanwhile, Farhad Moshiri is trying to sell the club to 777, a subsidiary of Hold Your Plums, Inc. 

The head fella at 777 got lifted for getting beak sent to him in the post. For fuck’s sake, what more do you need to know about him than that?

Without the Usmanov money, Moshiri is a busted flush. 777 just represent more of the same then, it seems. 

There seems to be a feeling among some speculative US money types that the broadcast landscape in the UK is going to change in the next few years and that just owning any Premier League club will reap dividends. Throw Bramley Moore into the mix and you can imagine the Powerpoint presentation they are showing in Florida care homes. 

Wish I had more for you, kid.

It’s all my arse.