A Cruyff turn past that centre-half who looks like Rishi Sunak, a swish – yes, a swish – of the right boot, and Dominic Calvert-Lewin capped arguably one of his best complete centre-forward displays for Everton with a winner early in the second half at the home of the Unhappy Hammers.

It could have been more as well, if Jack Harrison had shown more composure in the first half instead of being bewildered by his number of options following a serious dither in midfield by the home side. 

Abdoulaye Doucoure thought he’d doubled the lead as well, when Calvert-Lewin – looking as dangerous as that step at the bar in the Bramley Moore – sent him through with a header. The midfielder, who runs like one of those sticky rubber octopuses that flubber down the window, elected to take his shot early, only to draw a brilliant low save from Alphonse Areola.

Defensively the Toffees were superb, and made what’s widely rated as the best West Ham side for some time, look very ordinary. Jarrad Branthwaite’s getting rave reviews, and deservedly so – at times his treatment of the usually hard-to-contain Michail Antonio was nothing short of contemptuous. 

Another who was outstanding in his own way, was Vitaly Mykolenko. There have been times when he’s looked like something of a weak link, but the steady improvement of the whole team has seen him begin to blossom into almost a Tony Hibbert-esque figure, quietly going about his business.

Amadou Onana and James Garner dovetailed nicely in the centre of the pitch, and the Belgian in particular seems to really enjoy the wide open spaces that open up when playing on the counter-attack away from home, turning and driving forward at every opportunity.

The home side were really poor, but obviously Everton’s inability to extend the lead gave them some hope as they pushed men forward in the dying stages. Jordan Pickford made a great close-range save from Said Benrahma’s volley though, and preserved a well deserved three points.

It’s typically Everton though, that at the point where we feel like we are finally getting our shit together, with a clear identity and a small group of players who are working their plums off for the manager, it looks like events could conspire to relegate us regardless, with the threat of a possible 12 point sanction seemingly having ‘legs’. 

It’s credit to everyone involved on the football side that at the moment that you kind of think: ‘Fuck them, do it. We will get behind them like never before and stay up anyway, you massive shower of bent cunts.’

Football’s rancid. There is still some joy to be had watching the Toffees win, but the whole context in which clubs exist is just such a huge turn off. The powers that be are banking on there being no limit to how much shit the fans will swallow and the stadiums will still be filled and viewers continue to tune in on the telly. 

They might have miscalculated badly though. It just feels like we are approaching a tipping point. It’s happened elsewhere – the kip of Italian football now, for instance, compared to two decades ago. It’s hubris to assume it can’t happen here.

VAR obviously feels like the first horseman of this particular sporting apocalypse. 

What’s most notable about it is that with all the camera angles available, in seconds it’s clear what has happened in any given scenario. There is very rarely any confusion there. And yet decisions drag on interminably, seemingly with teams of officials panicking in the control room like they are trying to save Apollo 13. This can only be because – given they have a clear view of the reality – they simply don’t know how to interpret the rules. Don’t call them laws, it outs you as a bad bell-end.

The idea that the technology was going to remove subjectivity from the game was always fanciful. It’s made it worse. That Newcastle penalty against Wolves, for instance. There are a load of fellas on top dollar looking at that, with all the latest technology, and they say that’s a penalty. 

Come on.

And that’s before you even consider the amount of pressure being heaped on referees by clubs and, let’s be honest, broadcasters who have vested interests in certain outcomes. What’s more, and this rarely gets factored in any more, these are highly paid referees who have a lot to lose on a personal level if they fall out of favour. Doing the unpopular thing is not good for your – let’s repeat it – highly paid career.  

Invariably, unless you actively work to prevent undue influence and sharp practise, it will eventually take place in some form or other, especially when there’s yards of easy cash to be made. It’s human nature. 

It’s all been said before, but, well, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s all my arse.

I still like Everton, some of the time, but the rest can go and fuck right off.