Spew It #1 (feat. Pitbull)

  1. Celebrity QCs. What sort of intimidating nickname is Super Silk? Sounds like bum lube. Should have called himself Larry the Bastard.
  2. VAR making obvious decisions lengthier and more convoluted than Oppenheimer. 
  3. Pretending to be outraged by opposition chants. Admit you find nothing more utterly life-affirming than when you are frantically scrolling on your phone, all sweaty-faced and aroused, screeching ‘Inform his employer, inform his employer!!!’
  4. ‘The football family.’ Rather have a night in watching the telly with the Manson Family.
  5. ‘According to Alan Myers…’
  6. ‘The grass roots game.’ Dry-Robe banshees and their Klopp-clad fellas screaming abuse at teenage referees until their Turkey teeth almost come right out of their head.
  7. Goodison News.
  8. James Tarkowski’s clobber on Married To The Game.
  9. Pretending to be into footy to get fellas to look at your tuppence on Only Fans
  10. Speaking of tits, Simon Jordan.
  11. Allowing Americans to take over. A country where the most notable thing about their showpiece sporting event are the adverts on the telly and the turn on the pitch at half-time. ‘Usher? Sling it, lad. I’m going for a piss.’
  12. Thinking that this government running something would actually be an improvement.
  13. Kick-off times. All of them.
  14. Carling.
  15. ‘Gamble Responsibly.’ And if that doesn’t work, there’s always suicide, right fellas?
  16. Erling Haaland’s £900k a week.
  17. Pundits in Sandbanks coats.
  18. Lads dressing like pundits.
  19. Going proper Michael Ironside in Scanners ballistic and trying to grass to the referee when the ball is a micron outside the quadrant. Players are laughing at you. 
  20. Getting triggered by female commentators
  21. ‘Initiating contact’.
  22. Jamie Webster
  23. The next fucker who starts a conversation about the points deduction with ‘But surely….’ 
  24. Jonathan Lieuw.
  25. Fans groups issuing statements.
  26. Joey Barton.
  27. Guardiola constantly gollying on the floor.
  28. Football finance ‘experts’
  29. The term ‘tragedy chanting’
  30. Chanting about tragedies
  31. Trying yourself in knots trying to justify it.
  32. Being ‘entitled to go down’.
  33. Keys and Gray’s bloated Henry the 8th heads at half time when you are watching the match on holiday.
  34. ITV and BBC showing United and Liverpool’s FA Cup games at prime time regardless of how shite the tie is.
  35. Being on loan from Chelsea. 
  36. 37 minutes of added time.
  37. Already knowing tomorrow’s news story when a black player makes a mistake in a big game.
  38. Justifying every decision that goes your way and everything your players and your club does, despite all evidence to the contrary, like some massive Brexit nonce.
  39. Wrexham fans in Deadpool outfits
  40. This means more. Unless we lose. In which case it was your cup final.
  41. The Overlap.
  42. Being arsed about where you are in the running order on Match of the Day.
  43. An apology from Howard Webb
  44. Manchesters City’s substitutes.
  45. ‘The players don’t try and they don’t care.’ They just lost mate, that’s all.
  46. HANDBALL!
  47. The opinions of Keith Wyness.
  48. The genuinely creepy fetishisation of Jurgen Klopp.
  49. Independent committees who clearly pluck a punishment out of thin air and then spend the rest of the time concocting a narrative for justification and preparing rebuttals for the inevitable objections to the glaring inconsistencies. 
  50. ‘Can I have your shirt’ on a bit of cardboard. No, fuck off you entitled little cunt.