Repeat until nauseating.
That was the soundtrack to the first half of a game of big boys’ football at the Emirates where the gap between Everton and Arsenal looked a lot slimmer than the one between the once-mighty Gunners and English football’s remaining trio of serious clubs.
Arsenal can still finish in the top four, and almost certainly will, but Everton’s faint hopes realistically required all three points to induce ‘squeaky bums’ across North London, whatever the fuck a squeaky bum is. Have you ever really understood that phrase?
The Blues played well, especially in the first half, and could have made the game even more interesting had Steven Pienaar not fired over the bar after latching onto Phil Jagielka’s angled through-ball. To be fair to the South African he did have Wojciech Szczęsny sprawling at his feet but still it represented Everton’s best chance of the night and his biggest contribution. Pienaar’s not been on top form for some time and seems to have developed a running style that sports scientists call ‘Osman at Wembley’.
In terms of team selection, David Moyes surprised everyone by giving Ross Barkley another start – this time supporting Victor Anichebe up front. In all honesty it was only a partial success – the youngster was fucking last again in the first half, but in the second he had a few decent touches and almost bagged all the points late on with a great turn and shot that only missed the top corner by, to quote Junior Soprano, ‘a cunt hair’.
Arsenal, for their part, are just maggots. Everton got stuck in and pressured the home team all over the pitch but there was barely a dangerous tackle all night. If you listened to the likes of fat-tongued Lego-head Jack Wilshere though, squealing like a stuck pig every time anyone went near him, you would have been forgiven for thinking it was a replay of the infamous Haemophiliacs v Porcupine XI game from Comic Relief 1997.
Even Mikel Arteta, once the darling of Evertonian ladies of either sex, now has hair like Nick Cotton and a face like Dot’s, the crying little twat.
Olivier Giroud, the French James Beattie, missed a good opportunity to put the home side ahead just before the break and in the second half they did have the better of the game, especially when Arsene Wenger brought on Lukas Podolski and Sesame Street-faced Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and moved the excellent Santi Carzola into central midfield.
When called up to defend though, Everton were outstanding. Phil Jagielka, Marouane Fellaini and Seamus Coleman stood out as the home side pushed on, but the fact that their teammates continued to pose a threat and use possession intelligently meant that there was never that feeling of an Arsenal goal being inevitable.
Unfortunately, for all Everton’s undoubted qualities they lack a centre-forward who can make a real difference as only Kevin Mirallas looks genuinely menacing going forward at the moment. Anichebe is running around loads, and it looks a thankless task trying to close down a team of good footballers like Arsenal, but, let’s all be honest, he’s the weak link in that team. Unfortunately Nikica Jelavic’s arse seems to have gone completely and the once-lethal Croatian frontman is reduced to late cameos where he manages to make a simple game look positively excruciating.
That said, you can tell by the reaction that a lot of people were mightily impressed by a serious-looking Everton side. As we’ve already established, they won’t finish fourth, but it would be great if they could keep pushing the teams around them to the very end.