Five tips for Everton at Old Trafford

la haine

1. A training montage for Romelu Lukaku. We see him skipping amongst the dust motes in a moody shaft of light and then chopping logs of wood and punching cows. Live ones.
At the climax he takes the newspaper clipping of Jose Mourinho’s smug kipper from the corner of the mirror in his spartan bathroom, crumples it in his fist and stares at his reflection in the stained glass, knowing that he is ready.

And then just a couple of games of FIFA on the Playstation before bed.

2. Roberto Martinez eschews the traditional Hugo Boss coat and fancily knotted scarf in favour of a wife-beater vest, heavy gold chain and reform school tattoos. Him and his coaching team, or ‘crew’, get out early and sit in the home dugout.

‘No YOU move’ is their first response when David Moyes and the United staff come out, followed by a Tony Bellew wild-eyed stare and some of that tried and trusted Serie A contemptuous chin flicking.

When Ned Kelly comes out to move them on – how did they manage to have a security fella more famous than most of our players? – Martinez bounces on his toes, points over the stewards’ shoulders at the United lot and, singling Phil Neville out, screams: ‘What are you looking at Wham-head? Never wondered why Jimmy Martin only ever had to explain how we don’t tolerate dickheads to you?’ Then he does the double eyebrow raise that signifies, ‘Yeah, have a ponder on that, wool’.

3. Everton’s young players are all advised to learn from Wayne Rooney’s attitude. ‘Take every tackle personally. If they take the ball off you, chase them like they’ve snatched your sausage dinner and then attack them like they’ve sneezed on the last stripes’.

4. That bit when the camera gets too close as the two managers do the Bill Clinton handshake and elbow grab and bend in dead close and whisper in each other’s ear, instead of something about a drink afterwards before unclinching and laughing heartily, Martinez whispers ‘Like Li’l Wayne says, you like a bitch with no ass, you ain’t got shit’.

5. That was it really, there was a spare page of internet left to fill and so we thought we’d shovel these off-cuts from the preview into it. Or in other words, a quiet day in work.

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