‘Come in Dave, take a seat. Just, hang on, make sure that door’s shut properly behind you. That’s great. Anyway, thanks for getting in handy at such short notice. So do you have any idea why I’ve asked you here?’
‘Ed, I could see your fucking scythe through the window. Is that meant to be funny?’
Following the sorry-arse performance that confirmed mathematically, as opposed to simply ‘because even a blind fool can see it’, that Manchester United won’t be playing Champions League next season, former Blues’ boss David Moyes has finally been dragged out behind the Carrington woodshed and put out of his misery. Like an old dog that keeps pissing everywhere.
And paid £28 million for Marouane Fellaini.
Moyes always had a tough job following Alex Ferguson, everyone knew that, but at times it was like he was willfully going out of his way to prove his detractors right. From the very start he seemed to get everything cock-eyed, culminating in an absolute hiding at Goodison Park which he tried to describe as a decent performance when in truth Everton could and should have scored more than the two that they did.
Every United supporter in the ground on Sunday must have looked at the Toffees, full of pace, aggression and invention, and thought ‘that’s meant to be us, that’. And that was with our centre-forward absolutely honking the place out and Mark Clattenburg proving that his officiating is still less accurate than his VAT returns.
On the subject of the United supporters, hopefully their constant singing of Heysel songs highlighted to the home fans just how ugly these particular forms of ‘attack’ on Liverpool are.
Did they expect everyone to join in with them?
After all, they might be murderers, but they’re our murderers.
They’re not really murderers.
Kevin Mirallas took the second goal brilliantly, and had an all-round great game, but he’s torn his groin and misses the last three matches of the season, which is yet another blow to the Blues as they battle with Arsenal for fourth place. Sylvain Distin’s also having a scan on his hamstring, so he could be missing too. Antolin Alcaraz deputised well in the second half against United, but as we all know, any prolonged spell of running about can lead to the Paraguayan getting a doctor’s note that describes him as ‘just not really very well in himself’. Hopefully Phil Jagielka will be back soon.
Going back to Distin, he was fit enough to apparently go and try and confront some Herbert in the Gwladys Street who had given him stick on Twitter.
What sort of bell-end move is that? If the lad had been in his seat, just how many ugly ways could that scenario have ended?
The animated-prawn-faced Frenchman needs to give the social networks a swerve if they are provoking him into looking for real-world straighteners. That said, he’s probably just bored stiff in the house now she won’t let him out of her sight.
‘Where do you think you’re fuckin’ going, soft lad?’
‘Ah ey mon amour, I’m only shooting round to get a pint of… a paper.’
Missing these players is a kick in the dick when it comes to Champions League qualification, although conversely it was Robert Martinez’s surfeit of options that were our undoing in the game that will be pinpointed as the one where we blew it should we fail to overturn Arsenal’s one-point lead.
After a slightly grim game against unlikely kingmakers Sunderland, when Wes Brown turned Gerard Deulofeu’s cross into his own net to give Everton all three points, Martinez appeared to take Crystal Palace way too lightly. He tinkered with the starting line-up – it almost looked as if he was trying to keep the squad happy by giving everyone a game – but the Eagles are no mugs under Tony Pulis and Everton were punished 3-2. The former Stoke City boss has got the London team organised and really hard to beat, at which point someone with no class whatsoever would suggest that he’s probably a front-runner for the United job then.
It was definitely a mistake by Martinez, playing a starting eleven that was seemed so ad hoc and stilted in its approach that only the absence of Magaye Gueye on the left stopped it being a proper ‘League Cup side’. That said, the crafty Catalan really doesn’t get many wrong and so has more than earned the right to the odd aberration. And, just to reiterate, Palace really were decent – there’s no absolute guarantee that our best team would have beaten them on the night.
The fact of the matter is we take an injury-thinned squad to Southampton while the Gunners are at home to Newcastle ‘seriously, how the fucking hell are they not fighting relegation by now’ United this weekend, so it’s probably fair to say that the ball is well and truly in their court.
All we can hope for is to ‘keep them honest’, make sure that the final home game against Manchester City has everything riding on it, and then hopefully we go into the last day with it all still to play for. Whatever happens, it’s been ace, and Everton continue to prove that the grass is rarely greener away from Goodison Park. Especially if your old dog keeps pissing all over it.