Not much of a West Ham preview

‘What? Make a statement through a bloody solicitor? Are you daft lad? Listen, this is a storm in a teacup. I’ll sort this out with a bit of old-fashioned common sense.’

Oh Dave Whelan, the gift that keeps giving. Unless you are one of his workforce, obviously.

With no Luis Suarez to keep us all on our toes this season has started out more or less controversy free – it’s taken us to the cusp of panto season before the real shit’s started, with the Wigan chairman playing the role of Wishy-Hadn’tspoken.

The most bizarre part of the whole sorry affair is Whelan going on about all his Chinese friends and how ‘chink’ is not a derogatory label. That’s tawdry enough on its own, but only made more so by the fact that in this instance it was originally used with regard to Vincent Tan, who may be many things but he’s certainly not Chinese.

No, not even a little bit.

Let’s hope for Whelan that tight-collars Malky Mackay is worth all the grief. Remember him playing the massive martyr when his days were clearly numbered at Cardiff and you had the fans and the usual Vivienne Westwood-shirted crew on Football Focus pulling grave faces and rooting for a ‘proper football man’?

Let’s hear Lawro’s opinions on this, Dan.

Talking of gouty-faced managers, Mackay is certainly cut from the same big cloth as the boss of Everton’s opponents this weekend, the one and only Sam Allardyce. Both are clearly men who have handed a beautifully wrapped-by-the-store package across the table on their anniversary and failed to even notice the look of confused hurt as their wife pulls from the immaculate folds of tissue something extremely skimpy and flammable.

‘What are you crying for? Do you not like them? Do you not know how much they cost?’

In an attempt to inject some humour, and to to the horror of fellow diners and a commendably discrete wine waiter, he grabs the offending article in his buttery fists, stretches it and says, ‘Look, you don’t even need to take them off to go for a piss!’

‘Where are you going?’

That’s all just conjecture, clearly. Allardyce is actually renowned for being quite the skilled and considerate lover.

Where are you going?

Talking of all things boudoir, as we said, it’s taken it’s time for football to be ‘dragged through the gutter’ this season but it’s now kicking off all at once. Not only is Whelan calling the Malaysians a great bunch of lads, but there’s also the unsavoury events up at Bramall Lane. The rehabilitation of offenders is a moral minefield, but it is overwhelmingly proven that reoffending rates drop massively if released prisoners go into regular, stable employment. So if Ched Evans ends up back out there with the ski mask and the chloroform no one is blaming Jessica Ennis per se…

Seriously though, call your lad Ched and you can’t be that surprised if he ends up a baddy.

And talking of heroes and villains, Tony Bellew is a weird one isn’t he? You kind of want to love him, because he’s a Scouse boxer and more than that he is a big blue and gives it loads about the Toffees. It’s just sometimes his over-dramatising of himself and his seriousness mean that he comes across as, well, a bit of a tit. He’s only ever fought two decent fellas and lost both times.

That said, anyone who watched him on Behind The Ropes, screaming at the Sunderland game, couldn’t help but warm to him. It might be a bit frosty next time he goes to Finch Farm though, given that everyone knows exactly who he was referring to when, more than once, he shouted: ‘Just hit it you, you big dope’.

Everton have got some injuries and that, so other players will have to play in the injured ones’ places, but you probably have more idea about that than us, so you can fill in the blanks in this bit.

Nice one.

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7 thoughts on “Not much of a West Ham preview

  1. That is the finest piece of football writing it has been my pleasure to read this year. I am oft to brave the pre-Crimbo traffic to buy myself a hat just so I can wear it and then take it off to you.

  2. How will Martinez set up his side against the free scoring hammers, tho mark? I’d like to see more tactics truck and le……oh bollocks, more Ennis stuff, please. As the mail headline ran: “pushy feminist ruins public building”

  3. Vincent Tan is from the Chinese-Malay community and identifies as ethnically Chinese, so he is more than a little bit Chinese. Other than that, great article.

    1. Robert says:

      November 22, 2014 at 2:26 pm

      Vincent Tan is from the Chinese-Malay community and identifies as ethnically Chinese, so he is more than a little bit Chinese. Other than that, great article.

      I bet you’re a right laugh at parties,bob.

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