Struggling. To. Keep. Up. Now. Must. Type. More. Shite.
Away from the football, for just a minute, an MP gets murdered by some Little England bedsit virgin and Clement Freud may well be responsible for the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.
That’s not the news, it’s a game of Cards Against Humanity.
Is it really that hard to live by the credo: don’t be a cunt?
We’ve left ourselves wide open to our little cabal of stalkers with that last comment, but what the heck, it’s Friday, let’s go crazy.
And speaking of letting your hair down, England had cause for quite the celebration after Daniel Sturrridge’s injury-time goal sealed the win against Wales and qualification to the knockout stages of the Euros.
Gareth Bale gave the Welsh the half-time lead when he did his weird dressage run-up to a free-kick, absolutely miles out, that £40 million Everton target – bitch, please! – Joe Hart should have really saved.
The tabloid assassins where gleefully screwing the telescopic sights onto their bolt-action snipewriters at the break, only for Roy Hodgson to go ‘balls to the wall’ and replace the disappointing Harry Kane and Raheem Sterling with Sturrridge and remove-the-rubber-glove-from-his-head-to-reveal-he-is-in-fact-an-evil-penguin, Jamie Vardy.
Both scored. Go Roy.
Northern Ireland, who were cack against Poland, enjoyed a tremendous victory over Ukraine, setting up a humdinger of a final match against a German team that are always decent – they are Germany, after all – but looked far from invincible in their goalless draw with Poland.
The latest Everton news is that Ronald Koeman is apparently to sign Roma’s Dutch midfielder, Kevin Strootman, despite him playing barely any games in the past few years thanks to a cruciate ligament injury.
Hopefully he does come to Goodison, just because we have an ace headline lined up. Well, it’s actually dependent on him not only signing, but also reporting problems at home with an errant moose.
Which, in fairness, is just as plausible as Everton paying the reported £30 million for him.
In non-wacky-transfer Blooz-news, the Liverpool Echo showed some mock-ups of how Goodison is going to look following a summer spruce up of the exterior. When we first heard there was going to be some work done on the outside of the ground we assumed it was going to be on the same scale as the blue gravel we got years ago. Maybe some new cladding, give the tattered flags on the Bullens Road a rinse – who knows, maybe even send someone round to scoop up the vast array of ‘Cammell Lairds’ that adorn the pavements skirting the old pace.
But no, far from it. In the most exciting artist’s impressions since the Rolf Harris court case, the Exy Echo revealed Goodison shrouded in what can only be described as some sort of illuminated, interactive sheath. With sexy blue Reeperbahn lights everywhere and this big wraparound screen thing it is more impressive than even Peter Johnson’s vision of the wide open boulevards of Kirkby Golf Course.
It genuinely looks ace; a bit reminiscent of Lille’s ground.
That’s it for now. Belgium v Ireland is the big game of the weekend, with two under-fire Everton players, Romelu Lukaku and James ‘did he break Eammon Dunphy’s lawnmower?’ McCarthy, set to go head to head.
Which is exciting, isn’t it?
Oh, and remember.
Don’t be a cunt.