Miners voting Tory, Royal nonces claiming they are so nails that they can’t sweat even if they wanted to, Liverpool pissing the league and Everton manager Duncan Ferguson digging out a striker for not putting in enough effort.
These are some strange days we are living through, make no mistake.
Marco Silva got sacked because the results weren’t good enough. The club were clearly reluctant to pull the trigger because they saw no one on the market as good as the fella they moved heaven and earth to get 18 months ago. Reading between the lines – and that’s all any of us are doing – you got the impression that when it come to the day-to-day of his job, Silva was ticking all the boxes and the board were impressed with him. Read almost anything that former players say about him and they always insist that they improved under him.
He had ridiculously bad luck with injuries, and the summer transfer business was, with hindsight, last, but ultimately there are few managers who are going to survive losing 2-0 at home to Norwich and then the absolute nailbomb-at-a-christening that was the Anfield derby.
So then, the big question. Who next?
No one has got a fucking clue, have they?
The only one that seems to excite anyone is Mikel Arteta – because he has no managerial pedigree at all, so no one can point to some poor spell in his past as proof of his unsuitability. Everyone else we’re linked with fits some archetype of failed Everton managers of the past.
Carlo Ancelloti? Loaded and won’t give a shite about Everton. Another Ronald Koeman.
Vitor Perreira? Might as well have kept Silva.
Eddie Howe? An uninspiring Moyes-lite. Established Premier League side Bournemouth (Bournemouth!), are shite, lad. Shite!
Benitez? Fat obnoxious twat. Obviously Allardyce.
Fuck it. Arteta. He’ll having us trying to play it out from the back like Hush Puppy Bob.
But it’s just a lottery. Everton put all their new structures in place, with a fancy Director of Football, and presumably did extensive ‘due diligence’ and still ended up with a young, progressive, hard-working coach whose team got struggle-cuddled at home by Sheffield United.
It’s not just us though. Look around. Who at Leicester City thought ‘league title here we come’ when they appointed the slightly comical figure of Claudio Ranieri as manager?
And then sacked him the season after.
Or that Tottenham would pay millions to get rid of a manager who would be favourite for pretty much any top job in world football?
Or, give this a thought. If you wanted a guarantee of quality and track record – what could be a safer bet than giving the job to the most successful manager in your club’s history?
Being Everton, we did it twice, of course. With hilarious results.
It’s all about the timing. And there’s an argument that whoever takes over at Goodison, with the injured players back and a couple of decent signings at centre-half and centre-forward, could end up with something approaching a really decent team.
Probably not a million miles from the one that finished last season so brightly…
So could that man be the one and only Duncan Ferguson?
You have to say that after the Chelsea and Manchester United games it’s tempting. In fact, do you know what, it’s a no-brainer.
He is 100% the man for the job.
Joe Royle said that football management is about getting good players to work hard for you. And these fuckers are putting proper Deliveroo graft in for Ferguson.
He’s also had the bottle and the conviction in his own beliefs to defy modern convention and play two up front – and unsurprisingly we’ve seen Dominic Calvert-Lewin transformed now he knows there’s every chance that someone’s going to be supporting him whenever he wins the ball.
More to the point though, if we give the job to some neat-bearded, Continental project-merchant now, the first time we have a shite game everyone is going to be demanding the return of ‘the Big Man’.
It’s not like Ferguson’s been sat in alehouse and his pigeon loft for the past five years either. He’s a proper coach and as qualified for the job as flavour-of-the-month Lego Head Arteta. Actually, he’s two games more experienced than him now.
There will be massive holes in his knowledge and experience in areas of the business, but surely that’s where Marcel Brands starts earning his keep? And yes, the implication there is that the silver fox came with a big reputation and there was talk of signing half the Ajax team because of his ‘connections in Dutch football’ but you can’t preside over this season’s shit-show without questions being asked, surely?
You look cool in a suit and you gave Moise Kean’s ma a shirt from the souvenir shop. Boss.
And if it doesn’t work out for Ferguson and we end up thinking that we should have actually appointed Diego Simeone, so what? It’s all a load of old bollocks. A string of money-hungry, Kia Joorabchian-represented, well-thought-of-at-Porto-and-Olympiakos fuckers will still be there to take over when we start the process again.
And Eddie Howe.
Playing identikit, data-driven football with worse players than the likes of City and Liverpool is going to get us nowhere.
Let’s go punk rock.
Everton aren’t we?
Why do I fucking (occasionally) bother? I’m like Alan Partridge when he says he doesn’t like wine. They’re giving it to the quizzical Reggiolian, Ancelloti, by the look of it. He’s the one I wanted all along….