Chelsea 2 Everton 0

Fancy missing The Great Pottery Throwdown to watch this load of shite.

Everton have been getting away with it for a bit now, and at Stamford Bridge a number of their limitations were exposed by Chelsea’s quality. And, let’s be honest, it was about as surprising as finding out that some in the Royal Family have outmoded attitudes towards matters of race.

It’s certainly no criticism of Carlo Ancelotti. He’s looked at what he’s got available to him and decided that defending deep and gambling on his gifted forwards taking the handful of chances that come their way is going to provide the maximum return. And the fact that with this squad he’s got them to the point where they are even being considered as contenders for the Champions League places says that his approach is spot on.

The midfield has proven a perennial problem for the Toffees, and without the selfless Abdoulaye Doucoure compensating for his teammates – Allan, for instance, runs like a player-manager – Thomas Tuchel’s side were largely untroubled. Even Kai Havertz stopped doing whatever he does in shadows to look almost decent. 

Fair play to Tuchel, he’s come in and made Frank Junior, the nation’s favourite, look like a right mug. Who cares if the chunnering Teuton is so cartoonish he looks like the main character from a one-off strip in Viz?

‘Gordon Lee and his Brexit Tree’, perhaps. There’s no need to even draw it, you can already imagine the final panel, with the kipper-tie-wearing football manager hiding in the boughs of his Allardyce-faced oak, besieged by marauding Scottish trawlermen.

But some would say that’s beside the point.

Ben Godfrey – one of the stars of the recent run of results – was unlucky to turn the ball past Everton’s man-of-the-match, Jordan Pickford, following careless defending from Alex Iwobi and the infuriatingly laissez-faire Mason Holgate. Seriously, if him and his fucking big blue chewy were any more casual they’d be a Paul and Shark Stanley knife.

Another attack down the same side from the hosts then saw Pickford make a brilliant low save from Marcus Alonso, to ensure the Toffees and their absolutely horrific George at Asda kit went in only one goal down.

Never fear though, on 65 minutes Pickford brought down Havertz and Jorginho took one of his weird B-Boy run-ups and scored from the spot.

Ancelotti made a load of substitutions but to no avail, Chelsea got the win they thoroughly deserved, and the scoreline would have been even more one-sided but for a number of excellent stops from England’s, England’s number one.

It’s hardly worth getting your boxies in a bunch though. Until we improve the squad further in the summer – they’ve got to be looking for at least a right-back and yet another central midfielder – then what Ancelotti has been saying all along, that we are aiming for the Europa League places, seems about right. 

Unless we twat Burnley on Saturday like, with goals from Iwobi and Holgate. Then it’s all back on. And we’ll just delete this and fly a banner over an empty stadium.

And obviously it will say:

Everton. Everton. Everton.

5 thoughts on “Chelsea 2 Everton 0

  1. Harsh but fair on Allan. Well, either a player manager or some 38 year old celeb who had trials at Luton 23 years ago and suddenly finds himself at on the pitch at Old Trafford for soccer aid overlapping a One Show presenter then somehow slicing it out for a throw in and getting a bollocking from an incandescant Robbie Keane.

    And thank you for the Viz strip. Highlight of 20/21 so far.

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