29th December (incisive)

If the virus disproportionately affects Jamaican males is it in fact a mandemic?

That’s it, nothing more to see here.

Everton aren’t playing until Newcastle have made a load of loan signings of fellas we were linked with during the wild and crazy Marcel Brands years. Adrian Rabiot and Samuel Umtiti are absolutely nailed on for a bemused double unveiling up there.

A lot’s been said about the ethics, or indeed lack of, in allowing the Saudi take-over, but surely it’s better if they are spending their petro-dollars on Ruben Loftus-Cheek than Hawker jets and thumb-screws? 

‘But what aboot Manchester City? I hear that Khashoggi was a bit of a cunt anyway. Crying aboot it isn’t going to sew him back together, is it?’

Anyway, on the subject of tyrannical regimes, the Rafalution is proving to be far from a bloodless coup. In what has become known as ‘The Night of the Long Kecks’, the rosy-cheeked Rasputin well and truly saw off Brands and strengthened his own grip on the Finch Farm Iron Throne.

In scenes reminiscent of the nail-biting climax of Succession, Benitez apparently outmanoeuvred the Dutchman who looked like one of them black and white photos of haircuts they used to have on the wall in the barbers, by asking in the boardroom: ‘What does Swiss Tony over there actually do?’

There was no coming back from that.

Meanwhile everyone. – especially The Athletic – continues to just guess at what actually happens behind the scenes at Goodison Park. The overriding narrative now is that the board meetings are something akin to Alice in Wonderland, with Farhad Moshiri some sort of Mad Hatter figure presiding over utter bedlam. How else did we buy <INSERT ANY FROM THE GROWING LIST OF DISASTROUS SIGNINGS HERE BUT MAYBE NOT ALEX IWOBI AS IT JUST FEELS TIGHT NOW>?