Hey you, the rock steady crew.
Get on Everton, lurching from their slumber and gittin’ they house in order.
First up, as predicted, Robert Elstone has chosen, to use a favourite Max Clifford phrase ‘GET IN THE FUCKING VAN OR I’LL CUT YOU!’, no, hang on, a different one, and that is ‘to get in front’ of a situation. The whole badge thing was snowballing – well, the petition was getting loads of signatures and the papers were all running gleeful, teasing stories – and the club had the choice of hunkering down and waiting for everyone to get bored, which they would have eventually, or getting on the ‘front foot’. To their credit they chose the latter option, held their hands up and said they will put things right.
You can’t say any fairer than that.
Before anyone gets too carried away with what happened though, don’t get drunk on power like the Moonies over the park who still think they kicked ‘Dem Yanks’ out. This was a relatively easy thing for Everton to turn around and make some PR capital out of and so they did. Don’t think that you will ever influence anything genuinely significant via the medium of the outraged tweet.
Just for the record, it’s been slightly irritating seeing people like the Guardian’s Paul Wilson and the Creative Review cover the situation in some depth and yet manage to miss the main gripe that Evertonians seem to have with the new badge, i.e. that judged purely on aesthetics it looks silly and cheap and lacks any of the inherent gravitas that characterises the venerable institution that is Everton Football Club. Regardless of the motto or any other single element, whoever designed that thing just didn’t ‘get it’.
Similarly Elstone over-emphasised the whole lack of supporter consultation. It just needed to be a decent design and there would have been very little fuss. Obviously you can’t please everyone, but anything that obeyed any sort of basic design principles for a start would have certainly avoided the outcry that has so embarrassed the club over the last few days.
And speaking of shitty branding, Dave Whelan, whose DW Sports shops’ signage looks as if it’s based on the theme of ‘Soho tourist trap sex club’, reckons that now Roberto Martinez has quit Wigan he should join Everton.
For some reason Bill Kenwright is trying to be all coy, but surely he must know already if the Spaniard is the man he wants. Acting as if he‘s going to have him and Alan Stubbs back in for an ‘assessment centre’ in a mid-priced hotel followed by a final panel interview just seems a bit wishy-washy. Manchester United have already started booting people out and plotting who they are going to nab from Everton while it seems on the surface at least that we are still getting Malky Mackay to sit an in-tray test and asking Phil Neville to give us an example of a time when he did something really shit that let loads of people down and how did he handle it.
‘By pointing, hmmm. No, that’s fine.’
Will Martinez – let’s just say it’s going to be him – be the best choice? There’s really no way of knowing, is there? You just have to look at the positives, and they are ostensibly that his teams play attacking football, everyone within the game seems to really rate him, and perhaps one thing that doesn’t really get mentioned is that his players work their plums off for him. That was one of Moyes’s great strengths, getting the players to graft, and Martin O’Neill once said that Brian Clough told him it was one of the most important things about management; if you get players who will run for you then you are halfway there.
Martinez is also, reportedly, a control freak workaholic, and that is something Everton definitely need in the wake of Moyes – someone to lead, make decisions and provide a sense of purpose. A ‘vision’ is straying into Brendan Rodgers territory, but you get the gist. We need someone who can try and make a team that is greater than the sum of its parts, and given the work he did at Wigan – where you could at least see what he was trying to achieve – then Martinez is certainly in that mold.
We don’t have the squad or the money to have some slightly distant ‘head coach’ figure, we need a manager whose whole reputation hinges on doing the best for Everton, and that’s why the board seem willing to take a chance – which it obviously is – on someone who has just been relegated.
This is all dependent on him taking the job, obviously. If he goes to Malaga instead then he’s shite and we’ve dodged a crafty-combed, weird-staring-over-the-interviewer’s-shoulder, ill-fitting-overcoat-wearing bullet. The twat.