Swansea Preview


‘The English language is the wall that divides us, and ‘fuck’ is my chisel’

– Tommy Tiernan, 2008

Right then, Swansea City away. It’s going to be a short one as there’s Christmas stuff to do and this isn’t being written on the man’s dime. You know how it is.

First and foremost this one will be interesting simply because of the similarity in approaches both sides have in terms of their possession obsession. In fact, they both hog the ball so much that the coin toss could actually prove crucial.

‘Don’t sweat it, we’ll get it back at half time. Be patient, like they are abroad.’

Despite cutting a dash in the Europa League, the Swans haven’t been as impressive in the league as they were last season, with people already speculating that To Live And Die In LA-looking manager Michael Laudrup might fancy moving on already, with the job at Tottenham looking like it could be a snug fit. Being, well, Michael fucking Laudrup would certainly carry more weight with the massive mob of gum-chewing, big-headphone wearing snides at White Hart Lane than looking like a prefect and telling everyone that you used to carry the laptop for Jose Mourinho.

Broken-hearted-English-holidaymaker-consoler-in-chief Michu has been a bigger disappointment to Fantasy League smartarses than even Christian Benteke, and a look at some statistics that we can’t be bothered doing would tell us whether he has actually been injured loads or he has, to use a ludicrous term, ‘been found out’.

An even bigger let-down has been the rather ironically named Wilfred Bony. This big unit looks more like a 1990s heavyweight boxer than a 21st century football player. You know, the sort from a ‘troubled background’ with shorts pulled up to his neck who you still see on Mike Tyson knockout compilations staggering around with what the legendary boxing writer Bert Sugar called ‘bad spacker legs’ as Richard Steele or Mills Lane tries to intervene and stop his head getting punched out of his arse.

That’s exactly what Wilfred Bony looks like.

Obviously the most obvious connection between Swansea and Everton at the moment is Roberto Martinez who still gets credit for everything good that happens at the Liberty Stadium despite leaving the club in 2009.

It’s ace, he’s like the Foxy Bingo fox, striding through the streets of football spreading tiki-taka tremendousness everywhere he goes. And for that reason, the follow up to ‘Bring Me Sunshine’ should be this.

‘Hey, is it just me, or has this Chang actually started to taste a lot better this season?’

‘You know, funny you should say that…’

Feliz Navidad, to Toffees, Toffettes and various non-Evertonian heathens everywhere.