Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em

Hey, sometimes even the most obvious and clichéd headlines are just too darned irresistible.

This one, courtesy of everyone’s favourite baggy-trousered Jesus-jostling MC – Hammer, or Stanley Kirk Burrell, in case you were still wondering – clearly refers to the continued trial of German midfielder Thomas Hitzlsperger. That’s a trial in terms of showing Everton that he can still play football as opposed to some more sinister legal proceedings. Although, while ‘researching’ the ex-Aston Villa man’s career – i.e. looking at his Wikipedia page – it appears that he has run foul of the law in the past.

Somehow he kept his driving license after being caught doing 107 mph down the A14 in Suffolk. A £750 fine and increased insurance premiums will have meant very little to someone on footy players’ dough – he should have at least been forced to go on one of them horrible Speed Awareness courses with a cast of sad characters straight from a BBC 3 ‘new comedy’ special including a disgruntled businessman checking his Blackberry during every break, a fat lad in work boots who sees himself as the group comedian and a jaded instructor with patter that says ‘road safety can be fun’ but whose eyes are haunted by microwave Baltis and internet dating rejections.

“Now, we need everyone to write their names on the cards in front of you…” Aah, fuck off I’ll have the points.

And I’m taking a handful of Uncle Joe’s Mint Balls whether you like it or not.

And it’s virtually impossible to get a cup of coffee out of them pots!

Anyway, Hitzlsperger. He completed the whole 90 minutes of Everton’s under-21 win at Carrow Road and the talk on the street (the internet) is that he is going to be offered a contract by the Blues.

The 30-year-old, who was released by Wolfsburg only one year into a three-year deal, has suffered with a knee problem and so presumably Everton will only be offering terms until the end of the season at most. If he stays fit though he looks about as close to a carbon copy of the much-missed Darron Gibson as you could ask for. We now use backhanded compliments like ‘industrious’ and ‘unfussy’ here before remarking on his powerful shooting from distance when really both players should actually be complimented on their ability to keep shots down, as anyone can kick the ball really, really hard if they are not arsed where it ends up.

Apart from Leon Osman that is, the Montgomery Burns of goalkeeper troubling.

Other than that, not a great deal to report during one of them rubbish international fortnights that completely ruin the start of the season. There’s a bit of debate over whether Leighton Baines deserves to start for England ahead of blank-eyed vitriol magnet Ashley Cole, with the Chelsea man reportedly apologising to the FA for tweeting that they are a bunch of twats. Which they are.

Despite Baines’s incredible form, especially going forward, it would be surprising if Roy Hodgson doesn’t pick the more experienced, physically stronger and better defender, Cole, for the game in Poland. For the first match though, San Marino at Wembley, he must be sorely tempted to start Baines for his crossing and general burst-into-the-boxiness against a side that are going to be penned back for the entire match. That would also make it look as if Cole was being slightly ‘punished’ for his latest online misdemeanour.

Everyone’s a winner.

Thomas Hitzlsperger’s nickname is Der Hammer, by the way.

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One thought on “Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em

  1. Consider ‘blank-eyed vitriol magnet’ stolen. RANDOM FACT ALERT. If a female flings vitriol she is known as a vitrioleuse.

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