Blackburn Rovers 1 Everton 3


Oh man, don’t you wish the Blues would hurry up and get snotted by Juventus just so we can read something on Newsnow other than ‘United interested in Belgian midfielder’ or ‘Blues consider McCarthy bid’?

Even the ‘outrage’ by Liverpool cyber-puritans about the inevitable salty banners at the game against the Italian champions will be some diversion from endless ‘Baines an option for Moyes?’ waffle.

That said, we are still going to go over this old ground again in a manner that some observers could legitimately label ‘hypocritical’.

Firstly, Baines. One of the many talking points in the frankly hilarious footage of him giving a gang of school bullies a lift to the Blackburn game was the fact that when asked whether he was going to sign for United he was at best non-committal. Seriously, with a bunch of Everton Taliban right up in his grill and wondering whether to skin up on his UK Road Atlas he couldn’t bring himself to outright lie and say something approximating: ‘Fuck that, lad, why would I, the naughtiest left-back in the world, sign for them, lad’.

According to Alex Buttner and his agent any deal for Baines seems to hinge on Patrice Evra leaving Manchester, presumably for Monaco. When the outcome of the Frenchman’s situation is known it appears that United will decide whether Everton can keep Baines or not. And yes, that is starting to fucking grate.

Similarly with Marouane Fellaini, the papers seem to think that Moyes will ‘settle’ for the Everton midfielder if he fails to recruit the completely different type of player he really wants, Barcelona’s Cesc Fabregas. The slightly unseemly pursuit of the Spanish snide is reminiscent of Cyrano de Bergerac, with Moyes singing sweet nothings under his window while his grotesquely ugly but worldly-wise mate feeds him lines from the shadows.

It’s probably nothing like that at all, but it’s an enduring image, isn’t it.

Occasionally Evertonians suggest that once Fellaini’s release clause expires – the one that’s moved more times than the Mayan end of the world – then the real bidding can begin. However, this seems to overlook the fact that anyone paying above the stipulated price once that date has passed would have to be some sort of fucking simpleton. That £23 million or whatever is the absolute maximum that anyone who doesn’t want to be carpeted by their boss the next day would even dream of paying. Everton’s best hope of getting decent poke for Fellaini then is that someone under pressure to make a signing blinks before their competitors and offers to cough up the lot, more than likely at the very last minute.

Does any other scenario look even in the slightest bit feasible? He’s no one’s first choice, let’s be frank, so we won’t be holding anyone over a barrel, Daniel Levy-style.

Going back to Saturday, Everton had the proverbial ‘good workout’ against a clearly religious Rovers team. Well, Ramadan was the excuse Sylvain Distin used for Aroune Kone’s performance on the game’s periphery, and the Blackburn team definitely looked, well, actually, is it considered offensive to say Islam can make you shit at footy?

They were, anyway.

Everton played a 4-2-3-1 in the first half with Darron Gibson dropping deep to start moves off every time Tim Howard had the ball. Against a dreadful side they got away with some of the aimless passing and hopeful side-footed clearances into the midfield space that would be punished ruthlessly at the top level, but as Roberto Martinez stated, these games are all about trying new things. There was definitely a feeling of all foreplay and no fucking before the break though, despite Kevin Mirallas opening the scoring and Kone’s one notable contribution – almost breaking the crossbar when through on goal.

The introduction in the second period of Nikica Jelavic and, more notably, Leon Osman and Seamus Coleman, saw Everton’s ‘tempo’ increase though and more of the good work done in the Rovers’ half. Let’s be honest, if there’s ever a game that’s tailor-made for Osman it’s a friendly on a gorgeous day against a gang of half-starved Muslims.

Jelavic scored twice, heading home Steven Pienaar’s corner and then converting Coleman’s low cross at the second attempt. The Croatian remains an immensely popular player despite being absolutely shite for most of last season and the Everton crowd being notoriously quick to criticise – most Blues would like to see him at least get a chance to show what he can do under the new manager before being released to some rather uninspiring side like Hamburg or West Ham.

The Blues have been linked with a possible replacement, Austria Wien strike Phillip Hosiner, however the tabloids can sing his name ‘til the break of day; it still seems an unlikely move.

‘Oh no he di’n’t’

‘Oh yes he di’’

Scott Dann headed a late consolation when Joel Robles got caught under a far post corner, but other than that Everton could only be pleased with the work they did.

Anyway, that’s it for now then. Swear down, lad.

2 thoughts on “Blackburn Rovers 1 Everton 3

  1. Naughtiest-as-good has to be one of the most shite (shitest? You never hear that, do you) turns of phrase ever. If you’re reading this, lid, knock it on the head. And blow your fucking nose before you start talking to Leighton Baines, you phlegmy tit. In fact, just knock all that crap off, including the high-pitched voice – you sound like you’ve caught your balls in a bull clip.

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