Right then, not much to report really.
Remember when everyone used to go on about Bill Kenwright and his train set?
Has he still got one? Like one they would have in the department store on Big that he sits on wearing a Casey Jones hat and neckerchief, chugging along through candy cane junctions and waving gleefully to the shoppers before standing up astride the engine and grabbing his crotch, thrusting it at the kids with their noses pressed up against the steamy window and shouting ‘secretly record this!’
Considering some of the low points we’ve been through and some of the absolute dead-legs we’ve tried to see the good in down the years – ‘I don’t know, I think that Linderoth has got something about him, you know’ – it’s fair to say that the present situation feels crazy – like fur coat shopping at 3am with Mike Tyson.
Who do you start with in terms of the new players? Wayne Rooney was the headline act for a little while there – but you get the feeling that there’s more to come. At 31 years of age, a free transfer of Manchester United greatest ever player, and England’s highest ever scorer, doesn’t really appear to be that much of a risk.
Fine, if you want to bear a grudge, but ultimately your principled stand is only going to represent your loss. You would expect that the majority of Blues are just going to love the fact that this is showbiz and that there’s the potential here for a spectacular narrative to develop. And if it does, why sit there with a kite on you like Donald Trump watching that French marching band play Daft Punk?
There are just yards of players to run through, so we probably won’t bother. Big Jimmy Carr-looking Michael Keane was a bit of a coup though – given he was linked with just about everyone in the Premier League – and all the knicker-wetting over Sandro Ramirez ended up proving unnecessary as the little Spaniard signed the moment he was finished playing for Spain.
The one that’s rumbling on is the bid for Gylfi Sigurdsson, with Everton seemingly obsessed with paying batty money for someone who always looks decent enough but not really spectacular. You have to trust the people making the decisions at Goodison – well, no you don’t actually, as they wanted that Moussa Sissoko last summer – but for the money Swansea want, is Sigurdsson much of an upgrade on, say, Kevin Mirallas?
And that’s before you prise open the whole Ross Barkley ‘Big Can o’Worms’.
Ronald Koeman insists there’s a contract there for him, but the whole ‘vibe’ is clearly ‘you won’t be playing regularly and we’d be more than happy to take the money for you’.
Koeman’s attitude seems to come across as: ‘This is a well-paid job for grown-up professionals. Perform or do one, I don’t have time or inclination to sacrifice any element of my team to accommodate you. Harsh? Maybe. But I’m not your mum.’
Just ask Woodstock-faced winger Gerard Deulofeu.
It’s a bit different to what we’ve been used to. But with some dough behind him Koeman’s maybe the first Everton manager for some time who hasn’t had to compromise with the players.
Are you getting all tingly?
The new season can’t come quickly enough, and even Stoke’s inevitable injury-time equaliser on the opening day will struggle to dampen Evertonian spirits.
In the meantime, in terms of ‘sport’ we have two ten-stone gobshites touring the world calling each other ‘bitch’ and ‘faggot’ in front of hordes of whooping Spring Break date-rapists.
Oh, and by the way, can click-bait websites just fuck off with this summer’s insidious habit of publishing headlines declaring, for instance, that ‘Everton agree winger deal’ when it only involves selling Aiden McGeady. And you might want to re-think publishing the columnist’s bio when he’s some spotty little tit with a quiff and Kanye West sunglasses and loves ‘all sport, especially cricket and UFC’.
Apart from that, we’re ace. What about you? Kids alright? You’re joking? College? The last time I saw him he was only this big. Flies, doesn’t it?