Right then, the season’s kicking off beaucoup early as the remodelled Super Blues go up against a crack Slovakian fitness class in the Europa League’s ‘round of 1,036’.
No one knows anything about Rozemberok and you would really hope, even if their season has already started, that last season’s team would snot them – never mind Ronald Koeman’s expensively-assembled cast of thousands. Of course last season we would have had Romelu Lukaku, and from what we’ve seen of the Toffees thus far in pre-season, it still looks like the strategy for replacing the Belgian goal-machine is going to be dependent on a signing that’s yet to be made.
Fucking hell, that was a contrived way of saying that Koeman has been linked with loads of big centre-forwards and that’s exactly what we need, especially judging by the way they approached the game against Genk, Belgian’s most narcotic-sounding football club.
‘Oh, you know what, it’s a crying shame, her eldest lad’s back on the Genk. She’s beside herself.’
I can’t be arsed Googling the Jupiler League to see if there’s a better one, Racing Mozam or KV Chisel, or something.
It will be good to get to Goodison for a competitive match though, and have a close look at the likes of the new players, especially the lesser-known quantities like Sandro Ramirez and Davy Klaassen. Ramirez ran around like a little Latin Paul Dickov against the half-decent Genk, and his persistence and great low cross created the opening goal for Wayne Rooney, who is looking more and more like a corrupt, whisky-and-Woodbines-smelling seventies detective who sleeps in the Jag with every passing appearance.
That crafty-combed triumvirate all looked as if they will benefit from having a target man – ideally Olivier Giroud and not that Islam Slimani – who they can play give-and-goes with on the edge of the box, and also who gives them an option when the ball’s out wide. As it is, defences know that they are going to try and thread the ball through tiny gaps down the middle and are all too happy to let the fullbacks end those plodding passing moves with unconvincing crosses towards little fellas in the box.
Klaassen, especially, will benefit when he can take advantage of central defenders pre-occupied by a big lump up front to arrive late in the box. He will look a different player. Hopefully, anyway, because thus far the ‘new Bergkamp’ label that was mentioned in the Official Magazine interview can only be because he once shit his kecks on a plane.
Yes, yes, it’s just pre-season and he needs time to settle. We know, it’s a joke, simmer down petal, were not going to start booing him until at least the Sevilla (sophisticated spelling!) game. We’re not monsters.
Klaassen might be joined by then by another ‘quite neat and tidy’ attacking midfielder who the Toffees have been chasing since he was actually known as Mylfi Sigurdsson. Steve Walsh (fuck knows – let’s just say it’s him) is so obsessed with the Icelandic ‘playmaker’ he’s got a figure of the Swansea star in a snow globe. Probably.
Now put your hands on the car and prepare to die.