Curse of the Contemporary

Has he gone?

He has? Thank fuck for that.

We could have checked sooner but, you know, better to go completely Kimmy Schmidt than surface sooner and listen to another word from that big-collared bell-end.

What, Walshie too?

Who would have ever thought that of the previous ‘regime’, the little angry-Woodchuck-faced Sammy Lee would have been the least objectionable? Actually, did Craig ‘Shakey’ Shakespeare actually appear at Goodison or did Don Samuel just give him a Sopranos-style ‘no show’ job?

Never mind. No one cares.

You have to hand it to Farhad Moshiri like, he’s not beyond a fuck up, but when he does he has no problem in acknowledging the fact and doing something about it. And in fairness, in his mind he probably thinks that even the Allardyce era – eugh! – was a necessary evil. Expensive, but nowhere near as costly as the relegation that we never really faced. He would possible argue that that’s an easy point to make from behind your fucking keyboard in your ma’s spare room, Scouse, but it’s not your money at risk, is it?

As we say though, he had no messing at the end of the season. All them gobshites got the bum’s rush and, as they say in American football: stop hitting women.

No, sorry: next man up.

Or men, in this case.

Marco Silva eventually arrived – it would have been amazing if it were anyone else; we’re bored of him and his weird pointy sides already – and a new Director of Football came in too. The man to reshape the whole ‘sporting’ side of the club is Marcel Brands from PSV Eindhoven, looking like Martin Freeman in the lead role of Peter Schmeichel: The Musical.

The Dutchman was going to ‘bring with him’ – how the fuck does that work exactly? – Hirving Lozano, presently one of the ‘breakout stars’  of this World Cup, but the Mexican winger (nicknamed ‘Chucky’ because he often stinks of eggs – fun fact) looks like he’s going to have more attractive offers than ‘a boss flat down at the Dock’, you would imagine.

The pair of them certainly look the part and what little they have said all sounds plausible. Certainly compared to the last gang of clowns anyway. Remember Walsh clearly sweating Bacardi and cokes in his George from Asda ‘fashion trainers’ going into that meeting trying to buy a load of unwanted shite from a slathering pack of Milanese agents?

Silva says he wants to trim the squad, which makes sense, as there’s enough dead wood there to put a handrail on the Queen Mary.

If that made you smirk then you really are a proper arl arse.

He’s also been linked with all sorts of players coming in, obviously, although the most persistent stories, among the crazy French fullbacks also ‘being tracked’ by Newcastle and Leicester City, are to Ruben Loftus-Cheek, Jack Wilshere and Hull City’s Jarrod Bowen.

Loftus-Cheek would clearly be a massive coup, given that the big Chelsea unit is keeping Delle Ali out of the England team. You would almost think though that they would be just too embarrassed to send him our way, even on loan, given the absolute funeral-cortege-wreck that Ross Barkley’s move to Stamford Bridge has been.

Wilshere would appear to be more of a gamble, given his injury record alone. However, experience tells us that just because everyone blurts ‘he’s fucking shit him’ doesn’t necessarily make it so when it comes to these fellas who have played yards of games for England and for a good club  like Arsenal. Gareth Barry is the one who always springs to mind in these situations. Sometimes it pays to keep your counsel and see how these things pan out.

Oddly enough, someone who plays the same sort of role as Wilshere is what our side was calling out for last season, as for all the talk of ‘loads of number 10s’ there was never anyone crafty in and around the opponents’ box, taking an extra touch and looking to slip the ball behind the defence.

There’s a school of thought that Gylffi Sigurdsson should be employed as the central, attacking midfielder, but is he skilful enough to excel there, really? Or is the fact that he is and always will be a really good Kevin Kilbane, whose persistence and excellent delivery compensate for his lack of pace and strength?

We’ve no idea. If we did we would be holding up a scarf on the back of someone’s local paper and telling the press that all the present lads will get their chance to impress us pre-season, but there is some money available from the chairman for us to strengthen if the right players become available.

We’d then tell the that we’ve picked up a little something from every manager we’ve played for, but ultimately our style is our own, we like to think. We like our teams to really press and to pass the ball and to express themselves. No, no, it’s too soon to be setting targets at this point. The lads had a tough season last season and this is a difficult league to get out of, everyone knows that. But if they give us 100% every week then I think the great supporters  here will be happy with that and get really behind them. Er, no, not initially. The kids are settled in school so we’ll be commuting…

Oh, hang on. Jarred Bowen. No idea. He wants to have a word with whoever did his Youtube ‘skills and goals’ video though. Worse than Andy van der Meyde’s.

And don’t you always feel a genuine sense of loss when the World Cup gets to the ‘two games on at the same’ time phase? Whenever you have to check the fixtures and sit down to watch a ‘big match’ it’s inevitably rubbish. The whole joy of the competition is when you literally can’t get escape the whole soccer tsunami – and you can just idly dip in and out of it at your leisure, just like that cherished, dog-eared paperback of tender love poems you keep under your pillow.

Yeah. We’ve seen it.

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