27 July 2021 (comedown)

While the players bask in the glory of their Florida Cup victory, and prepare for tomorrow’s game against Pumas (pronounced Poomas), Rafael Benitez works tirelessly to strengthen his squad.

Well he might be. Or maybe  he just just says ‘Marcel, get me a right-back. And use a bit of imagination, not just fellas who play in that fucking Dutch league. I’m sick of hearing about Denzel Dumfries, he sounds like someone having a hilarious audition at the end of Phoenix Nights. And put some socks on with your kecks, the fucking age of you.’

It seems that Everton’s Dutch Director of Overpaying clearly doesn’t like to scroll far on his phone: 

Az Alkmaar

Arnhem, Vitesse

Barcelona

We’ve had mixed results with Catalan cast-offs thus far, with Lucas Digne superb, Andre Gomes flattering to deceive after a good start and a bad injury, and no one really ever being sure whether Yerry Mina is actually good or not. 

The latest link that just won’t flush down the rumour-pan, and may need to be eventually broken up with a stick, is with another central defender, Clement Lenglet. Having never seen him play, standard procedure is to reach for the football journalist’s bible, Shitman’s Soccer Shorthand Concise Edition. And so given that he is French, and white, we will describe Lenglet as elegant and raise a question over whether he’s suited to the physical style of the Premier League.