10 August 2021 (anticipation)

‘Penalty, Toby! Remember how I showed you. Pull your stockings up like a kiss-a-gram, run up like Ian Curtis and…Jesus Christ!’

Richarlison comes home from the Tokyo Olympics with a gold medal but unfortunately for him he will really be remembered as the tit who almost blew it with his ridiculous penalty pantomime.

Just kick it in the goal hole. The mind boggles.

There’s talk of him being in the running for a start against Southampton on Saturday, although with the travelling and what have you it seems more likely that he will be on the bench at best. Dominic Calvert-Lewin will hopefully ‘lead the line’, as the reigning Florida Cup Champions looked somewhat lacking in goal-threat at Old Trafford at the weekend without their only two genuine strikers.

Everton notoriously get thrapped in that last game of pre-season against the first team they face who aren’t wearing callipers. So a soiree down th’East Lancs always looked ominous, and lo and behold, they got off to a quite remarkable start when the hero of the Euros, England’s Jordan Pickford, pulled that face he does like he’s been greeted at the door by an over-enthusiastic Labrador, when in fact it was just a soft header back from Lucas Digne. Mason Greenwood laughed and scored in the empty net.

That big kestrel-killer scored a free header from a corner and inevitably that toothy technician Bruno Fernandes scored a free-kick when Pickford again went ‘full Beadle’. This all in the first half an hour. Then apparently Diogo Dalot scored too in injury time at the end of the game. 

Everton were crap, but it was a friendly. They are always last in friendlies. You learn this in the cradle along with ‘don’t let it bounce’ and ‘put a name on it’. 

There’s all sorts of talk of new signings – and the three they’ve made are really not that bad at all – although you can see PSV Eindhoven fucking us right off trying to get a loan-to-buy for Denzel Dumfries. 

Everton are like ‘Oh go ‘ead lad, we’ve run out of fullback. just let us have him and we’ll pay you next year. We know it’s late but we’ll pay your taxi over and that lad.’ And then in 12 months when they want their money Everton will be all like, ‘Fucking hell mate, let me breathe will you, I’m out with me Judy here…’

That’s what they’re like.