Random Everton Musings

Exactly what it says on the tin.

Farhad Moshiri isn’t stupid

There’s an old saying, ‘Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile on his luxury yacht.’

Everton’s owner is badly advised and inexperienced in the world of football, but this idea that he sits at the boardroom table wearing an eyepatch, with a cork on the end of his fork, seems a tad far-fetched.

After all, how many fucking stadiums have you sorted out lately, big licks?

He’s backed managers to the hilt though and found out the hard way that the majority of them are self-serving shitbags. 

Obviously Sam Allardyce was, well, Sam Allardyce, and Rafael Benitez clearly interviews fabulously. However, Ronald Koeman, Marco Silva and Carlo Ancelotti all looked decent appointments at the time. 

The Doley Trinity

That said, sacking Benitez after following his instructions to get rid of half the staff at the club does seem akin to handing your partner your suit and a pair of scissors and declaring, ‘I’m shagging your sister.’

Actually, it’s nothing like that at all.

It was dead weird anyway. What was the tipping point do you think? 

Do you reckon Moshiri got the team news on his phone and went, ‘Fucking Rondon!’?

Or was when the bubble-boy new left-back did that back pass?

Anyway, no one can agree on the next batter up for a simple reason. And that’s the fact that we are looking to fill at least three roles here.

We need a talisman who exudes passion and can unite the fans on matchdays, especially at Goodison. But we also require an experienced coach who knows their shit on the training ground and who, day in, day out, can command the respect of a dysfunctional dressing room full of disparate characters with divergent motivations. 

Even that’s not enough though. Given that Elvis has now left the building, what was clearly intended as a radical restructuring overseen by Benitez just looks like an evicted tenant spray painting penises on the walls and leaving poos and shellfish behind radiators. And so someone with long-term vision who can put structures and get great personnel in place is desperately needed too.

No pressure then.

Bob Hope, and…

If running a football club was easy we’d all be doing it. But still there are things they seem to miss that seem obvious. Easy wins that get overlooked as they repeat the same mistakes ad nauseam. 

You want them to take a step back and realise that they are not in the results business, they are in the hope business. That’s really the product. 

Look at sports like boxing and mixed martial arts, for instance. They are miles ahead of football with regard to how they tell a compelling story and bring their audience along on a ‘journey’. 

The fans just need to believe that there’s a chance things can better. No one even really considers the end goal – winning trophies – as long as you have a strong identity and look like you are at least pointing in the right direction, which is as much about managing perception as it is actual results, then you give the supporters something to cling to. And that’s enough.

So for a start, someone at this club, anyone, needs to come out now and look like they still believe in Everton. Own the narrative. Stop letting people who don’t have our interests at heart shape the story. 

‘Make them come out and face the people!’

Take the – much deserved – criticism on the chin. Front it up and say mistakes have been made but fuck it, every self-help bleeder tells us these days that failure is good, that it makes you stronger. 

Which must make us the Premier League’s Popeye.

The catastrophising has to stop though. This is a magnificent club with so much going for it but there’s such a crippling lack of confidence, from the boardroom to the Bullens Road. Everyone seems to believe the worst at every turn.

Put that much negative energy into the world, man, and you can’t be surprised when you achieve fuck all of note.

Everton’s board need to take this opportunity to reshape the club completely. Make some decisions, have some principles, and stand by them. Accept that they will get criticism whatever they do – it goes with the territory – and that things will be hard. Anything worthwhile always is. 

Everyone’s had their bit of fun at our expense now though.

It’s time to show some arsehole, do our own thing and stuff it down their throats.

It’s still our name.