Aston Villa Preview

Steven Gerrard coming to Goodison. History would tell us to absolutely lump on three or four-one to them. Given the form of the two sides it wouldn’t be the biggest stretch of the imagination to see that wager romp in.

Anyway, before we move on, a word from our sponsors.

‘If you don’t buy an Apple Watch you are going to die in the woods and you will only have yourself to blame as you whimper in the darkness. Your God isn’t going to save you. Conditions apply.’

Obviously interim manager Duncan Ferguson wants to inspire the much-vaunted Goodison ‘bear pit’ atmosphere, which is often difficult when the game kicks off so early. If he really wants to get the blood pumping in the Paddock ejector seats then he knows what he needs to do.

It’s simple when you think about it.

Just start Salomon Rondon.

Hey presto, the Family Enclosure looks like Peterloo.

You’re very welcome.

Frank Lampard. 

Why? 

Because he’s quite well spoken?

He genuinely makes Eddie Howe look like Arrigo Sacchi. At least other candidates with almost no experience such as Duncan Ferguson and Wayne Rooney have an affinity with the club and so some skin in the game. And they are startlingly lucky to even be linked to one of the best* jobs in world football, never mind some fella who just feels it’s probably time to get out from under Christine’s feet.

That’s if any of them are being considered, obviously. We’re in danger of falling into the trap of being outraged by ‘paper talk’ there. Everton say fuck all, the Daily Star just throw in a load of random names and then we’re declared a ‘laughing stock’ who are all over the place.

Suppose it keeps Simon Jordan in a job.

The Everton midfield and forward line almost picks itself, and is really just dependent on the fitness of Richarlison and Dominic Calvert-Lewin.

It’s the fucking pantomime at the back that will be most revealing. Yerry Mina will clearly come back in alongside Michael Keane if he’s fit. The fact that no matter who is available Keane is pretty much an automatic choice tells you all you need to know about why this team struggles so badly, doesn’t it?

Regardless of what Nathan Patterson looks like in training, you would imagine Ferguson will want to keep the club captain and a big personality like Seamus Coleman onside and will start with him at right-back. 

It’s who he picks at left-back that will be most interesting. Does he give a vote of confidence to Vitaliy Mykolenko who has looked nervous at best in his first two games? Or will he take him out of the firing line and go with Ben ‘more hot potatoes than Bommy Night’ Godfrey? 

You would hope that Mykolenko has had time to settle a bit now and has shown enough at Finch Farm that Ferguson feels he can cope.

He’ll pick Godfrey though.

Proper soccer chat. You weren’t expecting that, were you?

Won’t happen again.

* – It’s one of the highest paid and you have the England and Brazil centre-forwards to go straight into your team. All this poison chalice stuff is for bed-wetting shithouses.