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‘Penalty, Toby! Remember how I showed you. Pull your stockings up like a kiss-a-gram, run up like Ian Curtis and…Jesus Christ!’

‘Head over the ball, Toby. And strike through the target! 14-nil! Sometimes I really do suspect you don’t have the necessary grit. Now go and fetch the ball, second half starts in five minutes.’

I keep hearing people saying the weather is biblical. There’s one flood in that bible, across both books, the rest of the time the sun’s cracking the fucking flags.

There’s more than a hint of the kaftan in the design of Everton’s new third kit, which debuted yesterday.